For those without children who want to experience a simulation of what having a toddler is like, I have created a tutorial on how to make this happen.

First, you’ll need a friend or relative… or really any person willing to spend a day with you. This person will need to be instructed as follows:

(for the sake of this simulation, we’ll be referring to you as “Parent”)

1. If the parent is doing something and appears to be concentrating on it, grab their hand and lead them away. Be insistent. If they refuse to follow you start screaming in as high a pitch as you can manage. Don’t stop until they allow you to be led away. Scream louder if they get angry with you.

2. Alternately, allow a silence to fill the house. During this silence find something quiet, yet destructive to do. Flour is very quiet as are unguarded crayons.

3. Find as many toys or similarly small objects and spread them all over the floor. Behind chairs, under tables, and along main walking paths are the best, but covering as large an area as possible is key. If parent tries to clean any of these up, quickly demand the toys from them, and put them back into the chaotic swirl of objects.

4. Speak in partial sentences or general gibberish. If you want something, stand at least 10 feet away and point in the general direction of what you want. Make sure your finger is curled to prevent easy identification of the object. Start screaming if the wrong object is chosen.

5. Insist on going into rooms you are generally not allowed in. See items 1 and 4 for appropriate responses to being told you may not go into these areas.

6. Should you succeed in achieving sanctioned access to one of the areas in point 5, play in the area briefly and then want to go somewhere else. Once out of the area, demand to go back in. Repeat.

7. If your Parent should dare put you down for a nap, you should view this as the perfect time to test you ability to scream. Bonus points if you can be both loud and high pitched.

8. Drool is important. Keep some at the ready, and view any saliva that exits your mouth as a potential toy. Saliva should also be spread all over things that Parent is likely to touch without thinking.

9. Diaper changes should treated as if you are being brutally murdered. Respond accordingly.

10. 15 minutes before bedtime you have a choice to make. Either you can become hyperactive and try to play with every toy you can carry while running around like a lunatic; or you can become very quiet and well behaved. Both can achieve great results from Parent.

There, that should pretty well cover 80% of what is necessary to get a decent simulation going. If you find yourself with more than 5 minutes of free time every hour, your friend/relative is not doing their job properly.

-Confusion is a state of mind, or is it?

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